I choosed a way but I can't avoid thinking about the other one I left behind.

Love is definitely a complicated field. Being truly in love with someone, with an idea. It's always an easy thing to say, but I think love is a privilege to some people. But how can I talk about being "truly in love"? What is that supposed to mean? I can't measure what's true and what's not. I can't measure lots of things, but I think love indeed transpasses many barrels, in theory, not in practice.

I think for some women, it's not being old that's bad. It's when you are in that place you're neither young nor old. You are inbetween and can't manage your beauty fading away.

2 ou 3

Rostos e paisagens são parecidos. Se você olha por muito tempo para eles, por alguns segundos você sente como se não os conhecesse.

Eu limito meu mundo quando falo. As coisas não fazem sentido nem na minha cabeça, mas ainda assim fazem mais sentido na minha própria cabeça no que na dos outros. Certas coisas só existem para mim e explicá-las não faria sentido, assim como as limitaria. Palavras são limites, e eu não sei usar muito bem elas.

As pessoas se preocupam mais em passar uma imagem para outros, mas isso não necessáriamente tem haver com a imagem que ela tem dela mesma. Talvez gostamos de passar aquilo que achamos que agrada o outro e não a nós mesmos.

I need to be, I have to. I need to be more in my life and I can't keep dragging myself into this hole. Not now.

blood and honey

I like how I spend my saturdays watching movies, and how my desktop looks like with a new wallpaper. I like the smell of coffee my mom is doing, even I don't drink it that much. I love how I can listen to the same music endlessly and still being infatuated with it.

I think I love the simple things in general. I think we all do...we are just not able to see them most of the times.

god is an astronaut

You know when you listen to some songs, and by the night they come back into your mind to tell you something? They make you look through your window, and you see the lights in the buildings outside, and they seem like footprints in the sky waiting to be followed. And you want to follow them, hoping they will take you somewhere else. You want to be somewhere else, and you actually feel you're in somewhere else, but as you try to picture it, as you try to name it, to describe it to yourself, something is taken away from you, and you just don't know where you are. You don't know where are you being taken, but you just go. And you don't want to come back. Never.

teorema

Estou em algum tipo de transição, entre um estado mental e outro. Entre um estado que ainda não terminou, e outro que ainda não começou. Não sei o que sentir, e se ainda o que sinto é de alguma forma real, ou apenas estaria tentando me agarrar a algo para que nada me aconteça novamente.

Percebo ainda que os momentos de grande alegria, são os piores momentos em que eu poderia estar, pois me vem de forma muita explícita minha tristeza. Vejo que não importa o quão feliz o momento se revele pra mim, não conseguirei escapar de minha tristeza.

solaris

Tenho a sensação que as pessoas não irão me reconhecer num segundo encontro, como se meu rosto não fosse perceptível, ou ainda, como se eu não tivesse um rosto do qual as pessoas pudessem lembrar. Nem feio, nem bonito, apenas irreconhecível.
Quando fecho meus olhos, ou não me olho no espelho, também eu não me recordo do meu rosto.

january, 27th

It was an alright day, and somehow I didn't realized what was about to happen that night. I was so anxious and I think that made me blind, made me think in false pretences, and I thought it was just another day.
I had friends waiting for me in a bar, and I can't avoid thinking why I didn't meet with them instead of going there. Would it be different? Or would I just delaying something obvious?
As soon as we got in the bus, a torrencial rain started to fall during all the way. We were wet when we arrived, and I remember buying a white shirt and something to eat.

I stood there, so perplexed, I didn't want to leave. Just when it finished, I knew something happened, and I was so afraid cause I knew what happened. In that moment I knew things will no longer be the same. As I left the room, waiting for my sister to comeback from bathroom, I felt like I was about to faint, the weight on my back were too heavy to bear. In that moment I wished I've never existed. All I could think was crashing my head into something and making it stop. I wanted that to end, I still want, but I can't make it go away.

I cannot think anymore. When I think the devil comes to me, and I'm afraid it will finish me.

Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.

I hate debating with people over things. I sure have an opinion on lots of things but I prefer keeping them for myself when it comes to measuring what it's good and what is not. I believe that kind of opinions are only good when deciding what's best for one itself.

I hate arguing with people over films, or music, or anything else. I don't even have "what it takes" to tell what's good about something, and what it's not. I can tell what is right for myself, not for the other. I know I am emotionally involved and connected to a film, a music, or something, in different levels, and that's all I have.

Everything I love, I love in silence. I write in silence, I watch in silence, I am in silence. Everything I am, I am alone. I'm constantly in silence cause I don't want people to see me, not in this way.

Sempre penso no que acontece nos lugares em que não estou. Nas vidas que acontecem enquanto a minha vida não acontece.

No que estaria ela pensando agora, e por que isso me importaria? Me importaria saber se ela para quando o sinal esta amarelo ou avança antes que ele fique vermelho? Se ela pinta as unhas ou se não usa brincos? De que me importaria saber sobre coisas que não são minhas?

Eu sempre durmo inquieta, a noite é sempre o pior momento do dia. Não tem como fugir de si mesmo, e das coisas que vem a sua cabeça quando se está prestes a dormir. Mas durmo bem, gostaria apenas de dormir por mais horas.

It seems like I want my history to matter to someone. I'm always thinking in a opossite way of what I think I am. I'm always wanting different things from the ones once I thought I wanted.

It seems like I want them to know that I once had a tiny swimming pool, and I had plenty of fun with it. That once my grandma forgot to pick me up at school, and I cried because I wondered why she wasn't there. I lived in front of my school, and I actually could see the gates of my house from inside my school yard. I remember looking through the gate, waiting for her to show up, and it seemed like I was waiting for years. I don't remember her picking me up.

I want people to know those things, but I really don't, I don't know. I'm constantly looking for reasons and a sense in things, but I know they don't make sense. I know but I want them to. I don't make sense, so I think I want things around me to make some.

I'm mourning for my life

I see myself mourning for other peoples lives constantly. I mean, I don't think I'm really that kind of person who cares about everyone, and I'm actually pretty selfish.

But I can't avoid mourning for the things some people won't have, won't experience. I mourn for the view on the window they won't have, that taste they will never taste. The things they won't know about, and everything that life is supposed to be, a good life, not a miserable, not a bearable one, I mean, I really good one. But they just don't know. They just don't know what they have been missing, and maybe they will never do.

It's a good thing, you know? not having knowledge about things and how they are supposed to be. The more I think I know about things, the less I know at all. I think it's all the same damn thing, not knowing about a thing or thinking you know it all. You are at the same point cause you still have no idea regarding the order of things.

I'm mourning their lives for them, and I'm mourning for my life.